Christmas, Packing, and the Flu

I am so excited for Christmas! This year, I was actually able to get people some decent gifts, which felt amazing, because last year we only had pennies to spend on gifts! I am excited and I hope everyone likes what I got them. :-)

There are many other emotions that I am feeling during this holiday season, though. I am missing my family immensely. I miss hanging out in the kitchen with my mom while she makes all of her candies and cookies, and I miss joking around with my brothers, and talking philosophy, and I miss photo shoots with my sisters, and laughing until we cry. I just miss their company, really. This will be my first Christmas away from my parents and my siblings. Even when I lived all over the world, I always came home for Christmas. At least I have some awesome in-laws to hang out with and spend this special holiday with. They are family too, after all. They make me feel loved too, and we have tons of fun. But I still miss my family. There's no avoiding that :)

Jackson has been fighting a cold for the last 3 weeks. The last week, he has had a high fever. At times it go up to 103-104+. Luckily, Tylenol and ibuprofen helped to keep it lower, like 100-101. He still has a low-grade fever when he isn't doped up, but when he is, his fever goes away! And he has been MUCH happier today. Thank goodness he was sick with the fever nastiness before we started our road trip to Florida. Can you imagine how miserable it would have been to be on a road trip with a fever-stricken-screaming-clingy-monster of a baby? Awful. I can only imagine that it would have been totally AWFUL.

Housing... CHECK!

So the last couple of weeks, I have spent nearly all my free time in search of the right place to live. At first it was so exciting to be looking for housing, but after about a week, I was so totally DONE with it, but I hadn't found the right place yet. There were a few places that looked good on paper, but I just didn't have the warm, fuzzy, happy feelings that you get when it's JUST RIGHT. Ya know?

I felt like I'd looked everywhere.

We were on the verge of applying to one apartment complex, but nothing seemed to be going right, and then I discovered that the crime rate was quite high in that area. And then I discovered that the utilities and washer/dryer were not included in the rent. The rent was already close to our max budget anyways, and those extra expenses for utilities and renting a washer and dryer would put us significantly over our max for housing expenses.

 So I kept looking.

 I found a townhome that seemed to have all the right things, but I just couldn't bring myself to make such a big commitment long-distance. At this point, I was at the peak of frustration. So I decided to go back to my list of apartment complexes and see if there wasn't another one that fit the bill a bit better. I went back to my first pick that I had rejected because they didn't have playground, and because it had 100 less square feet.

 Going back and taking a second look, I discovered that those reasons were foolish to reject it for! It had everything else we wanted! Washer and dryer are included in rent, as well as utilities! The crime rate is low, not to mention that it is less than 2 miles from David's work, which will make sharing one car a lot easier. It is first floor, without any extra cost, which is AWESOME. Rent is also significantly less. That is my FAVORITE part!

 Now I can check that one off my list and focus on all the other things that moving entails!

 (I really hope not to have to move again ANY TIME SOON.)

 :-)

Orlando or Bust!!

So last time I wrote, David had phone interviewed with a company that seemed fairly promising. Over the last year, we've learned not to get our hopes up after such an event because we had endured so many rejections. It felt like 3 a month on average. Sometimes it was a rejection after two interviews and a design test. Sometimes they would take more than a month just to get around to sending a rejection email-- a month of high hopes only to be crushed with those painful words "We regret to inform you..." or whatever clever way they had of telling us that David wasn't the right man for the job. This was especially hard each time the interviews went so well and it was a position David really wanted.

The same day I wrote last, they called and emailed to ask David to come to Orlando for an on-site interview. This was the first time anyone wanted to meet him in person! What an exciting feeling!! They had to set the interview ten days out because of Thanksgiving. That was the LONGEST ten days ever, having to just pass the time until the much anticipated trip. I helped David pull all of his travel documents together, and even helped him pack. He was so nervous that he hardly wanted to think about the logistics of getting down there, so I did all that I could so that he could just focus on impressing them.

Thanksgiving came and went with much gratitude in our hearts for the opportunity that God had given us. All we could do was pray that they liked him and wanted him to be a part of their team! Finally the day came for him to leave, and he went to interview. I was amazed at how calm David was the day before his interview. It was so unlike him for him to feel so peaceful before such a huge event. Usually he is so totally nervous and beside himself that it makes him sick. Even the morning of the interview he was calm. It was truly amazing. He went and interviewed and they kept him from 9am to 2:30pm. He met just about everyone that was in the office that day. What a crazy day for him! He called me as soon as he left the interview and he was so nervous! He told me he wasn't sure how it went and he was nervous about the impression he had made on them. If he had told me all the things they had talked about that day, I would have told him that were going to hire him! I am still discovering more things that they talked about that he never mentioned. They talked to him insurance options, cities that are nice to live in, what time their workday begins and ends, and a lot of other details about working there that they would never share with someone that they didn't intend to hire.

They didn't even let 3 hours go by after he left the interview before letting him know that they wanted to hire him! What a blessing for David's nerves (and mine!) for them to be so speedy about letting us know! I literally squealed and jumped up and down when David told me the news! It took days for the good news to sink in. We finally got a job!!! Oh my goodness, I could hardly believe it! I kept asking myself, "Am I dreaming? Is this for real?" I can't even tell you what a huge relief it is to think about having our independence again and being able to pay our own bills and to be able to put food on our own table. And to have our own place. And to be able to start paying off our student loans and get out of debt! What an amazing thought it is!

It is overwhelming to think about all the things that have to happen in such a short time in order to get us and all of our stuff moved down to Orlando, but I am not about to complain about it! We have waited for SO LONG for this change! It really is a miracle. He is so talented, we've just been waiting for the right company to come along and recognize the amazing talent that he has been blessed with. I know that this job will be just right for him and the location and the timing will be perfect for our family. My heart is so full of gratitude!!

And an update on Jackson--


Jackson got his second tooth on his 8 month birthday! He also slept through the night for the THIRD TIME!

He has started army crawling, but only when he REALLY wants something. He'll usually book it for my cup so he can knock it over, or when he spots the cord to the lamp, or his sippy cup. He really likes paper too. It's so fun to see the things that excite him!

He is REALLY good at walking around the kitchen in his walker. He likes to follow people around in the kitchen, and it really hurts when he runs into your toes or your heel!

Generally, he is a very happy baby. I feel like I am FINALLY beginning to figure him out a little bit. I can tell when he is tired enough for a nap, and when he isn't. I have finally figured out how to help him sleep better at night. Or maybe he is just maturing more in that department. Either way, I am glad for the longer stretches of sleep!

Summary of July-November...

Wow, mid-November already! Aye!

Please forgive my lack of blogging the last few months. Not only have I been busy being a mommy to the cutest little boy on the planet, I have been without my beloved computer for a couple of months now. I have our iPad that I can use to check my email and facebook on, but I don't really like typing a lot on the touch screen. So, things like blogging don't happen.

So since I haven't written since July, I have a lot to catch up on!

At the beginning of August, David and I went on a lovely vacation with David's family. We flew into Salt Lake City and toured Utah a bit. I got to see some good friends that I hadn't seen in a while and I got to visit with some family that I don't get to see as often as I'd like.

We got to see my friend Rita and her husband Mathoni. Rita was about to pop with their first baby, baby Jimmy. While we were in Provo, we visited with my siblings, Adam, Camille, and Heidi. There was some drama with rental cars, but once we got that straightened out, we were off to lunch with my aunt Gayela and cousin Angela!

My uncle Tom and aunt Karen were totally awesome and let us stay at their place for a couple of nights so I could go to my best friend Alex's wedding. It was a beautiful sealing ceremony in the Logan temple. I'm so glad I was able to go!

After our escapades in Utah, we met up with David's family and headed up to Yellowstone. We spent a couple of days touring the park and then drove back down to Salt Lake City to fly back home. All in all, it was awesome to get out and see some new things.

After we arrived back to Texas, David decided to look into going back to school since he had still been unable to find a job. We talked it over and decided to move to Ohio and go to school there. Through his job-searching, we had seen too many job openings that he would qualify for, except that he does not have a bachelor's in computer science. So, by the end of September, we were all moved to Ohio!

We feel that Ohio is where God wants us right now, and we have peace with where we are and what we're doing. David has continued to apply for jobs, but still no luck. In two more weeks, we will have hit our year mark (Nov 29) of unemployment. We are hoping that he will get a job before he goes back to school in January. We can hope, right?

On another note, Jackson is growing up so fast! Once we moved here, I feel like he has hit milestone after milestone! We moved here just before his 6 month birthday. Two weeks later, he slept through the night for the first (and second) time! He has yet to do it again, but that's okay. Two weeks after that, he finally mastered rolling over! And two weeks after that, he cut his first tooth! Slow down! He is also scooting like crazy, and he is trying to figure out how to stand up to furniture. Not to mention zooming around in his walker and grabbing everything within reach. He will lunge himself towards something interesting! He makes the cutest little noises, goo-ing and gah-ing and dada-ing, and mah-ing. I love it! Right now he has a pair of shoes and he is playing with the shoelaces. I sure love that kid!

It's amazing how much joy motherhood brings me. Even though I honestly don't know how in the world I am surviving, I am happier than ever. I've got a loving husband who is trying so hard, and a beautiful goofy little boy to keep me laughing.

JUST SLEEP!!

Tonight I have a lot of emotions.

Bitterness, frustration, anger, fatigue, and even a bit despondent. 

I am having a really hard time not blaming my child's sleep problems on our life circumstances.

If only we had a job and our own place, and money so I could have bought books to prepare more fully for having an infant.

But then again, I didn't even think to buy baby sleep books before he was born. So even if we had had money for them, I probably wouldn't have known to buy and read them.

But since I have been reading them, if we had our own place, I wouldn't have to worry about the temperature of the room, whether my mom would hear my baby cry and judge my parenting choices, and maybe consistency wouldn't be such a struggle for me.

If only my baby didn't have reflux and didn't cry so much when he was so little then I wouldn't have developed such "bad habits" regarding his sleep. I can't control that one, but what if?

If only my husband had a job and our lives were more structured, then having a consistent and predictable schedule would be easier. 

Are sleep associations really that bad? Is it normal for my baby to be waking up every 2-3 hours at this age? 

JUSTICE!

After EIGHT LONG months, we finally got David's wages in the mail!

We are especially grateful to the state of Texas for chasing after David's former boss and strong arming him into paying us the money he owed us. 

David and I are SO GLAD to have this chapter of our lives CLOSED. It has been nothing but a nightmare. Literally. It was a learning experience that I hope we never face again.

The Latest in Our World

Wow, it has been almost a month since I last blogged!

Let's see, what's been going on the last month?

My world has been consumed by motherhood, and as busy (and utterly exhausted) as that makes me, it doesn't seem like there is much to say!

Jackson went to the doctor yesterday for a little cough and congestion that ended up just being allergies, and he weighed in at 17 lb 8 oz!! My chunky little baby! Or as the doctor called it, "healthy." haha

He also rolled over from his tummy to his back-- but he's only done it once! I can't get him to do it again! BUT, he has been practicing rolling from his back to his side, and he loves the freedom that it gives him. I find him ending up in new positions and not in the same place I set him down. He is finding mobility (even in the smallest degree) so fun and exciting!

He loves to suck and chew on his fingers, wrist, or fist while he plays. He loves to put his hands together and hold them. It's so cute :)

Daddy loves to put Jackson on his shoulders, and Jackson loves to use David's ears as handle bars!

He loves to bat at things that hang above him, and he loves to be kissed on his jaw-- it makes him smile and sometimes even giggle!

Jackson loves to use his voice! He is saying "words" like ah-goo, gah, ooohh, gah-gah. And he has figured out how to scream. I've even heard the "m" sound out of him a few times. It's so fun to watch them discover new things!

Jackson has also discovered his feet! He loves to try and grab them, and sometimes he actually gets them!

About a week ago I noticed that he rubs his eyes when he is tired. So cute!

David is so excited to take Jackson fishing at Yellowstone in a couple of weeks, he couldn't resist showing Jackson the fish at the Rainforest Cafe at Grapevine Mills!

Jackson likes to watch youtube videos with his daddy. Mommy isn't crazy about this practice, but sometimes it gives her a break so she can do crazy things like, oh ya know, take a shower or eat a snack because she hasn't eaten anything all day except a bowl of cereal.

Jackson is still not the greatest sleeper, he still wakes up at least 2 times a night. His longest stretch of sleep so far was 6.5 hours, but from 8pm- 2:30am. That was a good night! The early morning hours are still rough. He usually wakes up around 5 or 5:30, and then sleeps for another hour or so and is usually up for the day around 6:30. I usually end up taking him to bed with me just to milk the most sleep out of the morning as possible. Sometimes I get lucky enough to stay in bed until 8.

I have been trying hard to get him on some sort of an eating/sleeping schedule, but it seems like there is always something that gets in the way. Sometimes it's just my sheer exhaustion. I like to think that Jackson is a harder baby than most. It makes me feel better about being so tired and feeling so out of control. It will get easier, I hope.

Parenting Advice?

As I've entered the realm of parenthood, I've realized quickly that the world is SOO ready to give you advice on how to raise your child.

While I was pregnant, I was so consumed in preparing for giving birth, stressing about money/unemployment/moving that I didn't even want to think about what I would do once the baby actually arrived. I had picked up Dr. Sears' "The Baby Book" and thought I had everything I needed. Everything I read in The Baby Book seemed just fine and in line with how I wanted to parent.
No one had mentioned or recommended any other books at all, so I was flying blindly once Jackson actually came!

This is probably because I was very resistant to any mention of the impending sleep deprivation as I perceived these comments as pessimistic. (I still do!) I knew it was likely what my future held, but I didn't want to think about it. No one had offered any tips at all until after I dared to complain to the internet about how tired I was.

After the recommendations started coming, I sent David all over Plano going to the different libraries with a long list of books to pick up for me. I soon realized that EVERYONE has an opinion about parenting, and they range the gamut from extreme attachment parenting, to crying it out and everywhere in between. Everyone has an opinion on co-sleeping, self-soothing, baby wearing, rocking your baby to sleep, demand feeding, parent-directed feeding, scheduled feeding, swings, etc. And these are only BABY ISSUES!

So the confusion began. I really wanted one book to just tell me how to get my baby to sleep better! Where is my book of solutions?! Which book is RIGHT? Which book is WRONG? I wanted a step-by-step, day-by-day, what-to-do-in-this-situation kind of book that had all the answers that pertained to MY child. A book that allowed me to do all the things with my child that I wanted, and avoid all the things that I would never dream of using for my child.

No such book exists. At least not for me!

After at least a month of reading several books, many of which repeated many of the same tactics for getting babies to sleep better, I finally decided that:

1. It is a WONDERFUL idea to read books for educational purposes.
2. I can't follow everyone's advice at once. (As much as I'd like to.)
3. It is MY child, so I will do what I feel MY child needs at this time in their life, and what I'm comfortable with.
4. I will try ideas that appeal to me, and keep what works, and forget what doesn't!
5. If I do all that I can to make my baby comfortable and happy, he will sleep longer stretches when he is ready to! 

Now, lest you think that I've given up and resigned myself to sleepless nights, I haven't! We have come a long way and although I am still very tired and have to drag myself out of bed every morning, things have changed SO much since we brought Jackson home from the hospital.

At about 10 days old, Jackson "woke up" and realized he was hurting! For about two weeks, we tried everything for hours at a time to calm down our SCREAMING baby. I was lucky to get ONE three-hour stretch out of him at night, while he woke every one or two hours the rest of the night. Not to mention that it took him 30+ minutes to eat. I didn't get a lot of sleep. 

Then we discovered that he has reflux AND a milk protein sensitivity. 

He is a totally different baby now. He still fusses and cries on occasion, but he coos and laughs and lays happily looking around. And his cries do not communicate pain. Actually, he doesn't even usually cry to get my attention, he just squawks. If I ignore his squawks long enough, he will get to a full-blown cry. His wailing from pain early on was so hard on me emotionally... It is so hard to see your baby in pain. 

Considering where we came from, I am more than grateful for the nights when Jackson only wakes up 3 times. At least I'm able to get in a couple of full REM cycles in every night, even if I'm waking up in between them.

I went through a phase where I felt like it was my fault that he doesn't sleep well, and that I was doing something wrong because my NEWBORN doesn't sleep longer than 4 hours at a time. He is gradually able to sleep longer, and as he matures it will continue to get better. I am happy, my baby is happy, and that is all that matters!

June 4th: Our First Anniversary!

David and I had a wonderful day together for our first anniversary. For one day, we allowed ourselves to forget our troubles and celebrate our joyous union and to reminisce on the good memories that we've shared together in our first year as a married couple, and how we were brought together.

Honeymooners at Disneyworld

We're pregnant!!

We thought of all our many blessings-- that David was brought to Texas, that we had callings that brought us together, and that we were both humble enough to listen when God was urging us to date. We were so blessed to have the means to have a beautiful wedding, and loving family and friends who helped in every way to make it all that we hoped for. We were blessed that David had a job for the first six months of our marriage, and we were so blessed to be able to start our family right away. We were blessed to have loving parents on both sides of our family that have been so willing to help us through the hard times with unemployment, pregnancy, moving, and finally a new baby.

In our first year, we had nothing, yet we had everything.

We had no money, we had no job, but we had everything that matters. We had our God, we had our love, and we had each other. And thanks to the government and our parents, we had a roof over our head and food to eat!

My mother offered to watch Jackson so that David and I could get out and celebrate for a few hours.

So excited to be going out!

We decided to eat lunch at Rudy's BBQ, which is where we had our very first date two years ago. It was so wonderful to put our worries aside and enjoy a day to celebrate.

Yummy Brisket, Creamed Corn and Beans!

I even wore the same shirt that I wore on our first date!

Then we went to Northpark and to Tiffany & Co. to get my ring cleaned. We looked around and daydreamed about the day when we would be able to buy other things from Tiffany & Co. and not just come to get my ring cleaned. We can only hope that we'll see good enough days in the future for that to become a reality.

When David and I bought the Ring: Nov 5, 2010

After Northpark, we hurried home to our baby because my mom had somewhere to be. We got Jackson to sleep, and David went and picked up some chinese from Little Sichuan, which is where we went on our SECOND first date, and then enjoyed a piece of our wedding cake that we had diligently kept in the freezer for the last year. It was delicious then, and it is delicious now! I only had a small piece since I am working to keep dairy out of my diet for Jackson. It was really good though :-)

Mmm Cumin Beef and Chicken Lo Mein!

Looks pretty good for being a year old!

Our first year of marriage was really tough. We encountered a lot of hardships that I don't care to repeat ever again, let alone all within the same 12 months. We took our anniversary as an opportunity to put the last year behind us and to hope for a better year to come. Nothing about our circumstances has changed-- we are still unemployed with a new baby and living with my parents-- but we are glad to have our first year behind us!! Here's to many more to come, for better or for worse!

Summary of May... and an Impending Anniversary

Things have been pretty hectic around here, as evidenced by the three-week-long absence of any blog posts. I have been trying to get to writing, I just haven't had much to report, let alone any time to write about it!

Jackson has been a totally different baby the last few days. In a good way! It has taken reflux medication, lots of gas drops, and taking milk out of my diet before this happy baby has surfaced more regularly.

I think milk is the real culprit behind his extreme fussiness. A milk intolerance is also known to cause the excessive spitting up/vomiting, and it also increases gas because a fussy baby tends to swallow more air while feeding. Luckily, most babies outgrow this milk intolerance by a year, if not age 2 or 3. Seeing that my dad is still intolerant to milk as an adult, I am hoping that he isn't one of the few whose intolerance lingers past toddlerhood and into childhood and adulthood.

Jackson is Mr. Smiley lately! Sometimes I swear he even laughs at me sometimes! It is fun to play with him by laughing and cooing back at him. He has quite the vocabulary of goohs and gahs and owhhs. It's so cute!

We have seen several more job opportunities come and go this month. It is extremely discouraging. It has been 6 months now, and still no job. It is sad to see our one year anniversary coming while we are unemployed and living with my parents. This is definitely not what we had hoped for our first year of marriage. However, on the bright side, we have a beautiful baby boy, and we are still very much in love. I suppose those are the only things that really matter anyways. I'm lucky to be approaching our anniversary still happy with my decision to marry him. Though temporally our first year of marriage has been less than ideal, the love we have for each other surpasses all that I had hoped for and expected to find. For that, I am grateful!

Car Seat Sleep and Job Opportunities!

After what felt like an entire week without sleep has finally (hopefully) ended. We've had two nights of decent sleep patterns, and we are all in much better moods! It is amazing how awful sleep deprivation makes you feel. In every way.

There was about 4 or so nights where Jackson was waking up, eating for 40 minutes, then taking another 20 minutes to fall back to sleep enough to put back in bed, sleeping for an hour, and repeating. He would sleep for about 2 longer stretches in a day, but it was unpredictable which nap would be a longer one. It is torture to be consistently woken up from deep sleep and never being able to complete even one REM cycle. Not to mention, a few days prior to these sleeping issues, he started with some evening colic. 3-4 hour stretches of an unconsolable baby is REALLY hard to deal with when you haven't slept hardly at all for days. Needless to say, I was at my wit's end and pretty much desperate to find a solution.

We stumbled across this solution when I had to take him the hospital for some routine blood work. After fighting sleep all morning long, he fell asleep in the car on the way home. I was so glad to see him sleeping, so I let him sleep! He ended up sleeping for like 4 hours. Then I got thinking. The longest stretches of sleep have been when he was in a reclined position, like in the bouncer or in his car seat. After realizing this pattern, we decided to conduct an experiment. Waking up 2-3 times a night felt AMAZING in comparison to the schedule we had been keeping. I got so much done the next day! We tried it again a second night, and he fell asleep at the same times and woke up at the same times. I think we've finally stumbled into a schedule that we can all live with happily! 

I'm pretty sure that he's inherited some acid reflux issues, which is why sleeping at an incline works so much better for him. It also helps him with his intestinal issues-- he is a very gassy baby! Not only does he have a TON of gas, but it is loud! My mom said it was as loud as her dad's gas. A grown man! She's asked me a few times if it was me. But nope, it was Jackson! 

That was probably the hardest week of my life. Here I have this tiny little baby that God has entrusted to me and David, and for the life of me, nothing we could do would make him feel better. Being so beyond exhausted, and on top of that, an unconsolable baby-- very stressful. 

Even with a new and improved sleep schedule, our lives are beyond chaotic. The days and nights all blend into each other and David and I can't even keep track of what day it is anymore. David totally spaced a dentist appointment on Monday, and we missed a free photography session last night that we won. Things just slip through the cracks when the days all blend together like that... 

The job opportunities keep coming-- and so do the rejections. There are about 4 potential jobs right now, but there have been countless "potentials" in the five months we've been unemployed, so we are skeptical. Of course we always hope that something works out, but we are also aware of the struggles that the video game industry is facing right now. Jobs are hard to land, and competition is stiff! 

Pray that we'll find something soon? 

Sleepless Nights and Sleepy Grins

I read recently that the first three months of the baby's life is sometimes called the "fourth trimester," referring to the extension of difficulties from pregnancy through to postpartum life.

As we are coming up on four weeks since Jackson was born, I can see why some refer to an infants' early months in this way.

I won't sugarcoat it and say that it is all fun. It is really hard to get up when you just finished feeding your baby 45 minutes ago and he is awake and wants more-- all night long, for several nights in a row. It is hard to go to the kitchen and feed yourself while your baby is sleeping, when you'd much rather also be sleeping. It is really hard to find time to shower, to pee, or brush your teeth. I never thought I'd be so grateful for three hours of consecutive hours of sleep.

On the other hand, when you've just finished a feeding, and your baby gives the cutest little coos of satisfaction and sleepiness, it warms your heart. Seeing him smile as he's falling asleep just makes all the long nights totally worth it.

Knowing that my body is capable of making all the nutrition that my baby needs for his early life is so satisfying. Although breastfeeding is very demanding in pretty much every way, it is also very rewarding. (Not to mention the tons of benefits for mom and baby.)

 I am much looking forward to getting through the growth spurt that Jackson is going through right now. I'm hoping that his sleeping stretches lengthen and his feedings spread out a bit. Even if it takes a while though, I'm in it for the long haul!

Motherhood!

Being a mother has been nothing short of amazing!

I marvel at the miracle that babies are. I marvel at what our bodies are capable of doing. Women are incredible!

I remember when David and I first decided that it was the right time to start our family. We were so excited at the thought of welcoming a child into our family! Luckily, we did not have to try very hard before we found out that I was pregnant!

Early pregnancy is tough because other than feeling hormonal and generally yucky, not a whole lot is different. The idea of a baby on the way is just that-- an idea. You know it's true and that it will happen eventually, but for a long time, pregnancy is just a concept. Because I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy (thank goodness) I did not feel much different.

One morning early on, I was praying to feel more for my baby-- to feel more love for our baby, rather than just the concept of a baby. I was overcome by excitement. Not my excitement, but our baby's excitement. I knew just how extremely excited our baby was to be joining our family. Suddenly, this tiny little thing growing inside of me became real. One day, I was going to meet this person who came from heaven to be our child. My prayer was answered. How could I not love this little one who is so excited to come to us?

And then I felt the baby kick for the first time. I was driving somewhere, and I felt a distinct tap tap tap just to the right of my belly button. I can't even tell you how cool it is to feel your baby move for the first (and millionth) time! Feeling the baby move was probably one of my most favorite parts of being pregnant. I loved seeing what the baby would react to-- a food I ate, a song I listened to, or David's voice.

Although I had many unmet hopes surrounding Jackson's birth, those things are so tiny in the grand scheme of things. Yes, next time I will do things differently, but I hope that some things stay the same! I hope that my babies are always healthy and adorable just like Jackson. And I hope I recover just as well, or better, than I have with Jackson.

Jackson is a joy to have. He is good at eating and sleeping, and doesn't cry too much. He is very patient, and seems to understand a lot of what we say to him. He has started to look around the room more and is alert and curious! Generally, he is very chill and well-behaved. I don't get much sleep, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It will probably get old at some point, but for now it's okay. And hopefully by the time it does get old, he will be sleeping in longer intervals anyways.

Needless to say...

I LOVE BEING A MOMMY!

David and I are so happy to welcome Jackson to our family. Having him in our life has only made our love for each other even stronger. Our little family brings us so much joy!

Jackson's Birth Story!

*** WARNING: Long, uncensored, and very detailed! ***

So at my last check-up, which was March 26, my OB had described to me what a leak in my bag of waters would feel like. A slow trickle, which is sometimes confused with the increased vaginal discharge that is associated with the later weeks of pregnancy. Around Tuesday or Wednesday, I began to wonder if I was experiencing a leak in my bag of waters, but I did not want to call my doctor and seem paranoid or find myself at the hospital unnecessarily. So I ignored it and was just careful.

But Saturday night rolled around. 11pm: I had just peed (so I knew my bladder was empty and I knew I was externally dry because I had just cleaned myself) and I was brushing my teeth when I felt that familiar feeling of something leaking out of me, similar to when I am menstruating. I knew what it was, but I did not want to admit it to myself because I knew what it meant! It was not a huge gush, so I told myself that if it happened again, THEN I would call. David was supposed to get off work at 11:30 that night, so I figured I would wait until he got home and discuss with him what to do. I laid down to sleep until he got home. I woke up at 12:30, and no David! So I texted him, and called him a couple of times. Where is David? Is he OK? Why isn't he home yet? He ended up walking through the door at 12:45. Work had run late, and he had left his phone at home! I told him what had happened and what I thought it meant. I decided to take it easy and take a shower and see how I felt before calling the doctor. During my shower, I kept feeling these spurts of wetness, even while in the shower it was distinguishable. DANGIT, I guess I really should call the doctor. So I called my doctor's office and talked to the on-call doctor, Dr. Chan. I told her what had happened and she told me to go ahead and come to the hospital to be tested to see if my membranes had ruptured or not. So we packed our bags half-heartedly, hoping that my water hadn't broken. I did not want this to be the case because I knew that they would want to pump me full of pitocin to hurry up and get the baby out because they like to deliver babies within 24 hours of rupture of membranes due to risk of infection. Pitocin was definitely on my list of "last things I want to happen during my birthing time."

So at 2am, we went to the hospital. I walked in, feeling only mild, painless contractions. I had mailed in my pre-registration paperwork more than a month prior, but my information never got put into the system! It defeated the whole purpose! It's okay though, because all they asked for was basic information anyways.

I walked myself up to labor and delivery, even though they offered me a wheelchair. They got all sorts of information from me, and hooked me up to monitors to check on the baby and contractions. They drew blood and took a urine sample, and put tons of bracelets on me. I had been there for a good 30 minutes before they ever even addressed the question of whether or not my membranes had ruptured or not! They did a vaginal exam to find that my cervix was right in the front, as well as the baby's head! I was 2.5cm and 80% effaced, which was the same as it had been 5 days earlier at my last appointment. They pushed up on baby's head, and fluid gushed out, confirming that my membranes had in fact ruptured. My unchanged cervix was apparently sufficient evidence that my body could not produce sufficient contractions on its own and that I needed pitocin. I was INFORMED that I would be put on pitocin because I was now on a timeline. I refused it because I wanted to give my body a chance to kick-start labor on its own before allowing my labor to be augmented artificially.

They let me labor naturally until about 5am and checked me. I had progressed to 4cm! I was so happy at the thought that my body could do it on its own and really hoped that I would continue to progress so that I could avoid pitocin. I used self-hypnosis for the increasing contractions They checked me a couple more times throughout the morning, and I was stuck at 4cm. They let me try different things to try and pick up the stalled labor, but by 12:30pm, they said that they had let me try long enough and that I had to have pitocin now. I reluctantly consented.

They started me out nice and slow, but even with the pitocin my contractions were irregular. They were clumping together in sets of 5 with a couple of minutes between them. Contractions are not as effective if they are not at regular intervals. They did not trust the external monitors that were monitoring contractions because they can only tell you IF you are contracting and how long they are and how far apart. External monitors don't tell how STRONG the contractions are. They wanted to put an internal monitor in me, which was possible because my water had already broken. Or so they thought! I was examined by two nurses who both agreed that I must have a SECOND bag of water, because there was still a bag intact! They say I had a "forebag," whatever that is. So, in order to place the internal monitor and speed up the birthing process, it was decided that this second bag of waters needed to be ruptured. Dr. Chan, the on-call doctor showed up around 3pm to do the deed. Rupturing the membranes tends to speed up labor because it increases the pressure from the baby's head on the cervix. This tends to do the trick on its own, but because I was on a "timetable," that apparently wasn't good enough. The upped my pitocin from an 8 to a 12! (The started it at 6.) Up until this point, the birthing waves were completely manageable with the help of self-hypnosis. I was staying calm and collected, and I was managing myself quite well, if I do say so myself. The crazy amounts of pitocin, in combination with whatever hormones my body was creating naturally due to the breaking of my second bag of water made the pressure waves simply unbearable. They were suddenly very sharp in my back and abdomen, with hardly any breaks at all. The pain was continuous!

Silently enduring the continuous, insane contractions...

 I didn't last ten minutes with those kinds of contractions before I was asking for an epidural, which was ALSO on my list of procedures I wanted to avoid. I never wanted pitocin to begin with because I knew that it had the potential to make labor WAY harder than it needed to be. I knew at the outset that if I had to get pitocin that I would consider an epidural. My body would have never jumped to contractions that strong and that close together without building up to it first. Later I found out that the contractions were actually doubling up on each other and that's why they were so intense. After I had already asked for an epidural, they discovered that the pitocin was too much and halfed it back down to a 6, which is where I started! The epidural was already on its way though, so I just went ahead with it. In the end, I was glad for it!

After all those hard contractions that got me thinking of an epidural, I had only progressed to 5cm. When I found out that those insane waves of pain only increased me by 1cm, I was glad that I didn't have to endure that all the way to 10cm. Especially since I lasted 13 hours of labor on my own without any pain killers aside from Hypnobabies. I remain convinced that Hypnobabies would have done the trick for me had my birthing situation not "required" the pitocin. I use quotation marks because I remain unconvinced that there wasn't other ways to have handled it as to avoid these interventions. If they had put me on preventative antibiotics, like they do if you are Group B Strep positive, I could have labored longer without having to augment things so quickly.

Anyhow. Once I had the epidural, it only took 2 hours for me to dilate and efface completely. By 5pm, all I had left was a small lip on one side of my cervix. At this point, I thought all we were waiting for was for the doctor to show up so I could push my baby out. My mom was telling everyone that it was almost time. An hour later, a nurse comes in and tells us that they'd been letting me "labor down" and that they weren't going to call the doctor in for ANOTHER hour. So Dr. Chan showed up around 7:30, and we started pushing. Luckily, I could still push even though my lower half was quite numb. By the time little Jackson was crowning, his heart rate was dipping too low, so I heard another dreaded word on my list of "things to avoid."Episiotomy. She was concerned about getting him out quickly, so the deed was done. I'm of the opinion that a natural tear is better than an incision, but I really did want a healthy baby, so I consented. I am so glad that I couldn't feel any of it. Even though the pain aspect of delivering a baby had been eliminated, I still felt extremely weak afterwards. Having a baby is no small feat!

They set him on my chest as soon as he came out, and David cut the cord. And then they took him from me! For 20 minutes! This was another thing on my list of things to not let happen. I was very disappointed. David and my mom got to watch them clean the baby while I got sewn up. I just wanted to see and hold my baby! I worked hard for this moment! Eventually, after a seemingly endless 20 minutes, I got to hold my precious baby boy. I breastfed him, and got to love on him while I recovered. Then they moved my weak little self to the postpartum wing where I laid down to let the epidural wear off. I didn't get much sleep that night, but the baby was not to blame. Adrenaline from the excitement of the day was to blame! I was simply too wound up to sleep at all. I'm a mother! I have a baby! The concept is still sinking in. This person came from me and David and into this world completely thanks to God and His amazing plan for womens' bodies. Anyone who calls it less than a miracle has never experienced it.

Needless to say, the ins and outs of my first birthing experience were not what I had hoped. Giving birth is not something that can be planned out or controlled to the extent that we all hope and wish and dream about. So although things did not go AT ALL like I wanted, we both made it out alive and healthy. There will (hopefully) be more opportunities in the future for another birthing experience closer to my ideal. I think the only way to avoid a lot of those things that I wanted to avoid would be to get away from the hospital, or to at the very least, use a midwife at the hospital. There are so many other ways to handle birthing rather than the medical interventions that I experienced.